TOP TEN THINGS THAT DIDN'T SUCK ABOUT THE SUPER MARIO BROS. MOVIE
December 1st, 2014 by King Aquamentus
The Super Mario Bros. movie itself didn't really suck. It just wasn't good. The plot was dumb, hardly anyone looked like themselves, and it was exhausting for everyone. That said, let us not forget that in other ways, the film was pretty damn awesome.
10: Puttin' On The Reich
If you pay attention throughout the film, Dinohattan is absolutely crammed with Pro-Koopa propaganda. Heck, the movie's version of gold coins is called "Koopa Koins"! I think maybe this is the reason why Dinohattan looks so different from the Mushroom Kingdom we all know and love: This is a world where Bowser has already won. He may not have a shell or breathe fire, but he has in essence become the real world's version of his kind of monster. Also, near the end of the film, when he prepares to invade Earth, the way he orders his Goombas en-masse via radio broadcasts seems very remniscent of Adolf Hitler.
9: The Dialogue is Actually Pretty Quotable
When I say that the scenes with Koopa and Daisy together remind me of classic Dracula, I mean that wholeheartedly. I know it sounds a bit kiss-ass to compare something so classic to, well... the Super Mario Bros Movie, but seriously look at the dialogue between them. He knows he can get pretty much whatever he wants, and seems to toy with her like he wants *her* in a primal way. Daisy in response always seems revolted and terrified, but in awe of him at the same time.
Koopa: Don't fight it. You know you've always been uncomfortable in the human world, and you at least suspected that you were... ...different.
Daisy: I suspected a lot of things, but not that I...
Koopa: That you were descended from the dinosaurs? And you know what they say about little girls, don't you? Hm? They say they never forget the first time they're kissed by a lizard!
...And what about Mario and Luigi? They did a damn good job of being, well, a comedic duo. The dialogue shows off the contrasting and clashing dynamic between them very well: Old vs. Young, Open-minded vs. Skeptical.
Luigi: I've heard sea turtles travel thousands of miles on their own.
Mario: Not in New York traffic, they don't.
For a plot that comes off so damn silly, the scriptwriters certainly are not to blame.
8: Yoshi
Ok I'm kinda throwing this one in. I actually don't like Yoshi that much in the movie, but the simple fact that he's there at all and that they actually went all Jurassic Park with his animation? Oh, yeah, that's right, it's the Mario Movie, and it uses friggin robots to bring Yoshi to life. You know what? He looks really convincing too. That said, you can bet they gave him enough screentime to make the robotics worth it, too.
You have to admit, this was pretty impressive.
7: Dinohattan
So, now that we're old enough to look at this movie and say "Ok, yeah that wasn't Super Mario Bros. as we know it, we can accept it as some alternate story", let's talk about the city here. They did a really good job of presenting Dinohattan in a dystopian, Blade Runner-esque light. Also, notice how you never see daylight in the city itself? This may be for artistic reasons, but equally likely to me is that pollution is blocking out the sun there. The inhabitants are a pretty sorry sack of crap, too. Many are borderline retarded, and the others make New York feel like a friendly town out west. It's a city where you can be mugged by old ladies, hit by cars several times a day, or be arrested just for being a plumber (or singing.) Like I said above, in this version, King Koopa has already won.
6: Dennis Hopper
Speaking of King Koopa, here we have the late, great Dennis Hopper in one of his most embarrassing roles. Yes, he may have had lines like "Bomb-omb.." and "MONKEY!!" but he also mixed the above mentioned "Dracula" type horror with a much hammier villainy when he would appear in public. He's evil in a different way than Bowser, but definitely still pulled off a tyrannical monster with his performance. Given, most of his performance *is* ham, especially near the end as the Mario Bros. continue to tear down his public facade. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH PLUMBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! !!
5: The Plot Actually Does Follow The Game (sort of)
Ok ok, so hear me out on this. In the story for the first game, It is said that Bowser used black magic to turn the mushroom people into "bricks, stones, and horsehair plants", and that goombas were mushroom people who betrayed the princess. In the movie, Bowser uses something besides black magic to punish a mushroom person (it's Toad!) for betraying him... by turning him into a goomba. It's a little broad-strokes, but there's no denying the similarity. In addition, the powerups and coins were said to be gifts from the mushroom people for freeing them (I guess by seperating the bricks in the blocks.) Notice in the film how they keep getting gifts and items from the true king, who was turned into fungus by Koopa? Also, in both game and film, Koopa kidnaps the princess for something besides a romantic interest: In the game, her healing powers have the potential to undo all of his hard work. In the film, she is the only person who can truly merge the two dimensions together and allow him to invade.
Also on a coincidental note, I love how Nintendo has started shipping Luigi and Daisy together these days.
4: THE GUN MOUSE!!
About mid-way through the film, there's a scene where Koopa is ordering a pizza via videoscreen. The screen he is interfacing with uses not a point-and-click interface, but rather a point-and-shoot one. It's a little bit like a wiimote with a laser pointer, and although it isn't shown much (Daisy later uses the same kind of interface to help her navigate Koopa's Tower), the concept behind it looks like a pretty cool alternative to using a mouse. Given the time the film came out, as well as the film's subject matter, it may be referencing the Zapper. After all, the Devo guns are definitely Super Scopes.
3: Bob Hoskins
For a guy who didn't like doing the film, Bob Hoskins made for a pretty convincing Mario. For its time, I don't think a lot of fans pictured Mario as squeaky as he is today: They expected a gravelly Brooklyner with some fight to him. Yes, its the exact same voice he uses in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but it still works really well. Plus, when you put a mustache on that face, well... ...look at him!
I can actually see him saying "Mama Mia!!!"
Plus, for what it is worth, this version of Mario seems way more Brooklyn than Captain Lou's version did.
2: The Soundtrack
If you haven't seen the film before, you may be heartbroken to learn that they only play the Mario theme once at the very very beginning of the film. However, if you take a moment to listen to the rest of the soundtrack, there are many hidden gems. The film's main theme is a fun, light-hearted sort of song which highlights the dynamic between Mario and Luigi.
Also, the ending credits theme, "Almost Unreal" deserves special mention. Performed by Roxette, the song got launched into the top ten charts for the UK, Sweden, and Norway after appearing in the film.
1:The Special Effects
This is by far the most redeemable quality of the Super Mario Bros. movie. If it weren't for this, the other items on this list would not have been able to support the otherwise bad film. Remember the first time Mario phases through the not-so-ordinary rock and gets warped to the dino universe? Or when he and Koopa briefly are whisked back into Brooklyn? The CGI effects for when Toad becomes a goomba and Koopa becomes a T-rex are also very, very well-done.
"I disintegrated!! Am I still me??"
All in all, I suppose you could say that Super Mario Bros. makes for a bad film with superb production quality. No, it isn't the Mario you know, and the plot is a little out there, but other than that, its a pretty amazing film on its own.
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