DarkDragoonX
05-14-2002, 12:29 AM
(Okay, before I get flamed into a small piece of coal suitible for the BBQ, let me explain that I don't hate cats. In fact, I LOVE cats! Not that way, pervert, get your hands out of your pants! I swear, you people...
Anyway, I have two cats of my own, and I felt it was necessary to make this thread,m because no matter what we tell ourselves, the fact remains that cats are really nothing more than miniature human-maiming machines. You say you don't believe me? Well, let's look at the evidence:
First of all, go look at a cat. Now, assuming your cat is a standard model, it should have 6 ends. Normal enough, since it IS a four-legged creature. However, what you DON'T notice is that five of those aforementioned six ends have sharp, flesh-rending devices protruding from them. Sure, they may LOOK cute when they roll over and expose their furry little tummies, but they're just baiting you to get you to pet them between all five sharp ends, and then ROWR! You'll probably need a hand transplant.
Second, notice how the typical cat is up and about while you're sleeping. Sure, people truy to put that aside, telling themselves "it's just their natural sleep cycle." I think not. Do you know what they're doing when they scamper around at night? Do you? Neither do I. That's what makes it so scary. I am beginning to get suspicious though, ever since I found the Drano in my Corn Flakes.
Third, notice how much time they spend clawing at your recliner? Pay attention and you'll see that they particularly like to claw at your chair's LEG. One of the four supports that keeps your recliner from collapsing. They act like it's nothing important, but I know better. So, one day you're going to sit down and relax, and POW! Your chair collapses, burying you in a lethal pile of chair debris! Do you have any idea how many recliner-collapse deaths there are every year? Let me assure you, the figure is impressive.
Then, there's the master/servant angle. Yeah, it seems like you're the big guy, the head honcho. That's what they WANT you to think. Notic that when they meow at the door, you ALWAYS let them out r in. When they meow at their dish, you always fill it with food. Who's the REAL master? It seems obvious to me that cats are merely training us to be their domestic servants when they take control of the planet.
I'll answer a few questions you have, based on the ever-popular Q&A format:
Q. A hand transplant?
A. I wouldn't rule it out.
Q. How many recliner collapse deaths ARE there, anyway?
.A. Two. But they were very scary.
Q. What do you think of those hairless cats?
A. They must be eliminated.
Q. How much DO you love cats, anyway?
A. Well, I - HEY! I SAID TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR PANTS, DAMMIT!
Q. Why do cats hate loud noises?
A. Activate this emergency horn 5 inches away from your ear, then ask me that question again.
Q. Why do cats and dogs fight?
A. Because chickens don't have webbed feet.
Q. That makes no sense at all.
A. Well, you must have misunderstood your question.
That concludes this little topic. I'd love to write more, but Cotton wants outside.
Anyway, I have two cats of my own, and I felt it was necessary to make this thread,m because no matter what we tell ourselves, the fact remains that cats are really nothing more than miniature human-maiming machines. You say you don't believe me? Well, let's look at the evidence:
First of all, go look at a cat. Now, assuming your cat is a standard model, it should have 6 ends. Normal enough, since it IS a four-legged creature. However, what you DON'T notice is that five of those aforementioned six ends have sharp, flesh-rending devices protruding from them. Sure, they may LOOK cute when they roll over and expose their furry little tummies, but they're just baiting you to get you to pet them between all five sharp ends, and then ROWR! You'll probably need a hand transplant.
Second, notice how the typical cat is up and about while you're sleeping. Sure, people truy to put that aside, telling themselves "it's just their natural sleep cycle." I think not. Do you know what they're doing when they scamper around at night? Do you? Neither do I. That's what makes it so scary. I am beginning to get suspicious though, ever since I found the Drano in my Corn Flakes.
Third, notice how much time they spend clawing at your recliner? Pay attention and you'll see that they particularly like to claw at your chair's LEG. One of the four supports that keeps your recliner from collapsing. They act like it's nothing important, but I know better. So, one day you're going to sit down and relax, and POW! Your chair collapses, burying you in a lethal pile of chair debris! Do you have any idea how many recliner-collapse deaths there are every year? Let me assure you, the figure is impressive.
Then, there's the master/servant angle. Yeah, it seems like you're the big guy, the head honcho. That's what they WANT you to think. Notic that when they meow at the door, you ALWAYS let them out r in. When they meow at their dish, you always fill it with food. Who's the REAL master? It seems obvious to me that cats are merely training us to be their domestic servants when they take control of the planet.
I'll answer a few questions you have, based on the ever-popular Q&A format:
Q. A hand transplant?
A. I wouldn't rule it out.
Q. How many recliner collapse deaths ARE there, anyway?
.A. Two. But they were very scary.
Q. What do you think of those hairless cats?
A. They must be eliminated.
Q. How much DO you love cats, anyway?
A. Well, I - HEY! I SAID TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR PANTS, DAMMIT!
Q. Why do cats hate loud noises?
A. Activate this emergency horn 5 inches away from your ear, then ask me that question again.
Q. Why do cats and dogs fight?
A. Because chickens don't have webbed feet.
Q. That makes no sense at all.
A. Well, you must have misunderstood your question.
That concludes this little topic. I'd love to write more, but Cotton wants outside.