I've had a busy weekend. First we headed up to Leicester for the renewal of wedding vows of some family friends, then by a return journey back home to see my niece's first communion. Two different but important events, and at both of them, I very much felt out of place. I know exactly why as well - religion.

I'm a Christian. Church of England, to be prisice. But the thing is, I'm not a very GOOD Christian. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus and I believe in science. This leads to a few conflicts which I've been thinking about over the past few weeks - what happens when we die, etc. To be honest, I want to believe I'll go to Heaven, but I know that there's nothing. No life after death, no eternal paradise, nothing. That's it. End game.

So I'm having a very minor crisis of faith here, and we go to some very moving renewal of vows. Very touching - we've know the family ever since we were young and we do still visit back and forth a couple of times a year - but there was a fair mention of God. And I felt totally out of place singing hyms about His/Her love for us, and how the third person in a relationship is God. It feels wrong, because I don't know if I believe that.

The next day we're at the first communion of my niece. Very sweet, very touching, la de da. Same problem though - we're singing songs about how the Lord God loves us all, praying for His/Her forgiveness, giving thanks to Him/Her. And I feel horrible singing along to this because I don't believe this at all. A part of me accepts that there could well be a great being watching over us, but that for the most part, what people do in the name of their faith is way too much.

Then the kicker. The Act of Faith. It reads, and I quote from the booklets they gave us - 'We believe God made us. We believe Jesus died and rose to save us. We believe the Spirit gives us life. This is our faith. This is the faith of the church. We are proud to profess it, in Christ Jesus our lord. Amen.'

And I don't believe this at all. God made us? We were made by a sperm and an egg. Our very existence at all is due to evolution, not because some cosmic being rolled up his sleeves and said 'Right, I want someone to worship me. Let's call them... Human Beings.' It's rubbish.

I accept that other people may believe this. I'm not denying them that - it's their right to believe whatever they want to. But hearing things like this constantly for over an hour makes you wonder who came up with stuff like this. Why did they do it? What was the point?

...so don't mind me. Just a little worried that I won't go to Heaven - if indeed it exists - because I don't pray to Jesus every night before bed, or want to be blessed in Church. Eep.